Why “Adult” Kids Hate Church

When I was a young mom I had a conversation with an “older” mom with adult kids. She told me her kids stopped going to church and it made her really sad. She went on to explain why she thought that was the case. In her words she said she and her husband had put the church first before their children while they were growing up—attending every event, helping often, putting them in church childcare for everything—basically putting church before family. The sadness and regret were quite evident.

I vowed that day that I would do everything in my power so that my kids didn’t resent or hate church.

This was a hard order, especially since my husband was and still is a pastor.

How would I find balance?

I loved God. I loved serving our church. And I didn’t want my children resenting church as adults.

What my husband and I decided to do was allow our kids to weigh in on their own spiritual journey. If they didn’t like their Sunday school class I found out why and even attended to see why myself. This was my first step in falling in love with children’s ministry.

We allowed them to choose when and if they served. We also allowed them to choose which service they attended.

We did however ask them to be in church once a week—but they could choose where and how. After that it was up to them.

What we discovered was that our kids loved church and wanted to attend as much as we did.

One mom told me recently that her church provided childcare for an event and upon picking up her kids, they hugely disliked being left for so long. The next time her church did an event she hired a babysitter so her kids could be home. This is a wise woman. She didn’t put her attending an event above her kids.

We are all faced with choices and finding balance can be difficult. If we are parents we need to look at situations from our kids’ perspective and what our choices will mean in the long run.

If we want our kids to love church once they are adults how we prioritize them will have huge ripples—good or bad.

For example: When my kids were growing up our mega-church did a Christmas Eve service at midnight. My husband being one of the pastors it was required that he attend. Each year I would ask my three kids who wanted to attend with their dad. If they wanted to go, they went. But if they didn’t I stayed home with them and made other plans. One year my daughter hung out with her dad and our boys hung out with mom. It’s one of my daughter’s fondest memories getting to be with dad throughout the night and Christmas Eve service.

Sometimes little tweaks and a lot of consideration can make all the difference in the world.

Always remember the golden rule:

“In everything, therefore, treat people the same way you want them to treat you, for this is the Law and the Prophets.” Matthew 7:12

For more from Lucille Williams check out her books The Impossible Kid: Parenting a Strong-Willed Child with Love and Grace, and for your marriage, From Me to We, and The Intimacy You Crave. And on preorder Turtle Finds His Talent for ages 2-6. We invite you to subscribe to LuSays today for weekly encouragement.