When You’re Living In a Construction Zone

Some time back I posted a blog titled “How To Get Him To Do That Honey-Do List,” and recently I received this comment:

“I’m assuming you haven’t been married very long? Not to sound rude, but unless you’ve lived in a construction zone for the past two years like I have with unfinished projects at every turn, you cannot possibly assume this will work within a marriage as a general rule.

“Your marriage perhaps (for a while at least), although not most. Believe me sister, I have gone from politely asking and subservience like you, all the way to coming home with the material needed where our garage cannot hold anymore and here it sits all this time.

“What do you suggest I do next, dust it? Remove the cobwebs from it? Because yes, it’s been sitting there in his d*&% man cave garage that long! I’ve made every kind attempt to suggesting our teamwork, I’ve spoiled him, I’ve asked sweetly, I’ve cried, I have just gotten pissed off. I’ve done it all.

“At this point in time, I have decided two years in shambles is enough, whereas I am ready to YouTube the h*&% out of everything to be done and do it myself! I need my home back! Oh, did I mention he works in construction? Yeah…

“So in short, it depends entirely on the man you married, not what you do as a wife. If your feminine whiles work, great. My husband of twenty two years, is not that man.”

I completely understand this wife’s frustration. When it comes to our homes our hearts are very connected and invested. In the blog post “How To Get Him To Do That Honey-Do List” I talked about a hole in my living room wall from my kids rough housing, what I didn’t mention was how long it was there before my husband fixed it. It took him no less than a year, maybe even longer. But like I said in my post, finally fixing it he stayed up all night and surprised me. I cried like a baby, I was so overjoyed.

Another story I did not tell in that post was the story of my unfinished master bathroom. (Our home was a bit of a fixer upper, actually, no, it was a complete fixer upper.) For well over 10 years we lived out of boxes in the bathroom which connected to our bedroom. For years I waited for a finished bathroom. I went to visit my brother in another state, and while I was gone my husband remodeled the bathroom. When I arrived home he surprised me with it. Again, I cried.

All I know is my husband, and most men I know, are more likely to respond to respect, kindness, and understanding. Who knows why this particular husband, even though he does construction work, is so resistant to the projects his wife is asking for. Perhaps, he does not want the changes she does, and is resisting because he simply doesn’t want the same thing she does. Or maybe, he’s overtired and just doesn’t have any extra energy after working however many hours he does. Maybe he’s being passive aggressive and using the unfinished projects like a tool to hurt.

All I know is when a man is feeling happy and fulfilled that’s when he’ll be at his full potential and most—I’m not saying all—men want to do things to please their wives. Along with that I’ve found that positive reinforcement—over and over, even years maybe—will get better results than negative words and or actions. Over time, the more someone is given love and praise, good has to come from it somehow. This could take years.

The main point I was trying to make with this particular blog post is to not let unfinished projects, or anything else get in the way of a thriving marriage. If living in a construction zone causes ill feelings and strife it’s simply not good for the marriage. We cannot control another person but we can control ourselves and we can make the choice to love him through his unfinished projects. Then, one day he may stay up all night and surprise you with a masterpiece.

“Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.”

– Peter 3:1-2

Each wife needs to be a student of her own husband and understand what motivates him. And more than that, what causes him to feel loved and appreciated. Once we discover this we can build into him and be careful not to discourage him in any way. Not in order to get him to do stuff for us, but because it’s the right way to treat him.

And by the way, I’ve been married for 36 years. Not just a few as suggested above. Also, I want to add that although my husband may have had many “projects” waiting for him, I fully understood he was working hard to provide for our family and his heart wanted to get them all done. I knew he would eventually.

Fondly,

Lu

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