When Your Ugly Side Comes Out in Your Marriage

It could have gone really really sour. It could have completely ruined my birthday. It could have put a wedge in my marriage.

But I did it anyway.

I’m at that age where I tell myself “This is what old looks like.” Old, it’s such a relative term, don’t you think? But as each birthday passes, old is the inevitable. Well, this one felt old.

I’m going to tell the following story at risk of you thinking that I’m a horrible person—I think it myself already, based on the story I’m about to tell you. Actually, I could produce a list, but let’s not.

I was visiting with my son the day before my birthday. “Mom, you’ve got to try this rice—I make the best rice in my rice cooker and you’ve got to try some.” Upon tasting said rice, yes, he was absolutely right—it was delicious.

Joe said, “Well, this is the rice cooker Dad bought you.”

I said, “What? Dad bought me a rice cooker? I don’t even want a rice cooker, and if I did I would buy the one that I want.”

Okay, you’re starting to see this “horrible person” come out here. Perhaps I should pull it back a bit?

I was mulling over why he would buy me a rice cooker for my birthday. I told him not to buy me anything—I told everyone, “I don’t want gifts, I just want to be with my family and celebrate.” I’m old, I get what I want! Then I started thinking that perhaps my husband is the one who wants the rice cooker and this was his excuse to buy me one. But then, I remembered mentioning that I liked my kids rice cookers and that I wanted one. (I really need to stop telling my husband stuff I like because then he goes and buys it on my “old” birthday.)

I went home that night and while Mike and I were hanging out I asked him, “Joe made me delicious rice today in his rice cooker. Do you want a rice cooker?”

Mike said, “Hmmm, I don’t know, not really.”

I said, “Well, I don’t want one.” Yes, I said it! I knew he had bought me one and I was messing with him. Just for fun. Just because I wanted to let out a bit of the “old mean” side of me.

The next day, my birthday, while all the family was over there were a pile of gifts for me on the counter. I could tell that the rice cooker was not in the pile because I knew the size and shape of it.

I asked Mike, “Where’s my rice cooker?”

He smiled and said, “What? What rice cooker? You told me last night you didn’t want a rice cooker.”

Suddenly, I wanted a rice cooker, I wanted a rice cooker really bad. I had to have it!

I asked again, “Where’s my rice cooker?”

Mike said, “There’s no rice cooker in this house.”

“What? How can that be, I know you bought me a rice cooker.”

By this time Mike figured out that one of the kids spilled the beans.

I said again, “I know you bought me a rice cooker, so where is it?”

Mike said, “Well, last night you said you didn’t want a rice cooker, so, I cancelled it on Amazon.”

“WHAT! I want my rice cooker!” I squealed.

Mike replied, “Then why did you tell me you didn’t want one?”

The only response I had was this, “I was messing with you.”

“Well, I cancelled it.”

Then I find out that he had gotten it on Prime Day and had gotten a really good deal. Now, I’m searching on Amazon trying to find the rice cooker to order it but the price was way higher. My darling daughter chimes in and tells me that she can go into her dad’s orders and possibly cancel the cancel. I go in my husband’s office to get his phone.

My daughter and I are about to go into his orders when Mike says…

“I didn’t cancel the rice cooker, it’ll arrive later today.”

Touché, dear, touché.

We all laughed. I gave him a big hug and a kiss and praised him for putting up with me.

We all have sides to us that aren’t so pretty. We all sometimes do things that aren’t so nice. We all have mean sides that we try to keep hidden. And then sometimes those mean sides seep out and they most often seep out on our loved one.

In marriage we need to learn to accept ourselves and accept our spouse and offer love even when it can be difficult. Now, I’m not proposing that we never confront unkind words or behavior, on the contrary, we must address those things to have a thriving marriage. But what I’m saying is have fun together and accept fully the person you chose and offer love no matter what.

“We love because he first loved us.”

– John 4:19

For more from Lucille Williams on marriage check out her books, From Me to We, and The Intimacy You Crave. Have kids? Order a copy of The Impossible Kid: Parenting a Strong-Willed Child with Love and Grace or Turtle Finds His Talent for ages 2-6. Subscribe to LuSays today for weekly encouragement.