When Your Spouse Has ADHD
Your husband offers to go to the grocery store to get eggs for you so that you can make the cupcakes you need for the party. He’s gone for over an hour and, when he returns he’s bought Danishes, ciabatta rolls, salami, Almond milk, focaccia pizza, and Junior mints. He puts the groceries on the counter and says, “I found that Almond milk you were looking for and I bought your favorite candy.”
“Well, thank you, honey, where are the eggs?”
His face goes blank, “The eggs?”
“Yes,” you say, as you’re trying not to scream at him, “the eggs you went to get for me? What about the eggs?”
“Ohhhhh, the eggs! I knew I was forgetting something.” And he offers to go back.
As thoughtful as that is, now you’re contemplating if you want to wait another hour for him to return before you can start on your cupcakes.
If this has happened to you, then you know exactly what I’m talking about, and it’s highly probable that your spouse has ADHD.
I recently went to the grocery story with the agenda to buy the ingrediencies to make my grandson a special strawberry cake that he wanted, and during check out realized I had everything but the cake mix!
Yes, you guessed it, I have ADHD.
When you’re married to someone with ADHD it can be frustrating at times and sometimes you can feel forgotten and unloved. But please hear me, this is as farthest from the truth as it can possibly be. A person with ADHD has so much rolling around in their brain—distractions can be like flashing lights one just can’t ignore.
But our capacity to love and show caring is intense. Once a person with ADHD locks in on love, and showing displays of affection, they will move forward like a bull charging a threat.
I once heard of a story of a man with ADHD who had an appointment with a dentist. He ended up walking into a dentist office which he thought was his dentist but wasn’t. You would think he’d be turned away but instead what happened is that he charmed his way into convincing the front desk personnel that he had an appointment and he got seen. Amazingly hilarious!
People with ADHD tend to be very charming and tend to be quite successful in their perspective fields. They have had to learn people in order to compensate for how their brain functions a bit differently.
So, what do you do if you are married to someone with ADHD?
For starters, if they are going to the grocery store for you, make sure they have a list. Even if there is only one item on the list. Make a list. Your chances of getting what you need without a list are risky.
Don’t expect them to be like you. They will have their own way of doing life and it will most likely be very different than the way you handle your day-to-day. Be understanding. Imagine how much they have accomplished—like winning you over—and instead of feeling frustrated be in awe.
If they get distracted, don’t take it personally. Just say, “Hey, I’m still here, remember?” Gently remind them of your presence and ask them to be present. They will likely be a happy to comply. When on the other hand, if you reprimand them like they were a child they will probably pull away from you, and that’s not good for any relationship.
Hold their hand in high stimulus environments. When my husband and I walk through a mall I will grab his hand, otherwise, I will walk off and get lost in feeling the material on clothing and objects. (Wait, that sounds a little creepy…but textures and how something feels matters to most people with ADHD. I’ve cut off tags on just about all of my clothing). If I don’t hold his hand this is what happens: We’ll be walking together, I’ll get distracted, he moves forward thinking I’m next to him and then realizes I’m gone. By the time he finds me, he feels frustrated (and rightly so!) and I feel frustrated that he “just didn’t know” where I was and that I “had to” stop. Holding hands helps me stay focused and moving forward. Plus, isn’t it always sweet to hold your loved one’s hand? This turns frustration into endearment. Hold hands often.
Know that their love for you has nothing to do with the number of times they get distracted or appear to not care. They will forget things, and it has nothing to do with you. They may seem to get lost in their own world and go off in a different direction, understand they are not walking away from you.
Keep a good sense of humor. Learn to laugh with your spouse over the complexities and humorous stories. Enjoy the ride.
The truth is ADHD can be a huge advantage. People who have ADHD tend to be some of the best out of the box thinkers. They are fun, resilient, and hugely creative. Most can remain calm in storms where others are freaking out. Their propensity to hyperfocus can get things done quickly, and their energy tends to be contagious, which goes along with their adventurous and fun-loving spirit. Remember, these are most likely qualities that caused you to fall in love with them.
Lastly, according to Dale Archer, MD, ADHD can be an advantage, he proclaims, in his book, The ADHD Advantage: What You Thought Was a Diagnosis May Be Your Greatest Strength.
For more from Lucille Williams on marriage check out her books, From Me to We, and The Intimacy You Crave. Have kids? Order a copy of The Impossible Kid: Parenting a Strong-Willed Child with Love and Grace or Turtle Finds His Talent for ages 2-6. Subscribe to LuSays today for weekly encouragement.
