When You Feel Alone in Your Marriage

Indeed, one of the loneliest and most heart wrenching feelings is when you are married but you feel alone in your marriage. I know. I’ve been there. Like many couples there was a time when my husband and I were really struggling in our marriage. Those were dark and lonely years—and very painful. Even thinking about it now makes my heart hurt. If this is you today, my heart hurts for you. I know how it feels.

But I don’t want to leave it there…

What do you do if you feel lonely and discouraged and hopeless in your marriage?

Truthfully, I don’t think there are simple and pat answers, but I may be able to offer some hope.

Looking Inward –

For me the first step was to look at myself. Instead of looking at what he was doing or not doing, I had to take a long hard look at myself. I had to get honest about the wife I was and if I’d want to be married to me. This was the most painful step. It’s so easy to think our problem is outside of ourselves but oftentimes our problems are within ourselves. I had to look at me and get real honest.

Many times when we feel lonely our pain causes us to lash out and look for blame. It can be difficult to be kind and nice to another who is hurting us. If we are throwing spears we will often get spears back. I had to stop throwing spears.

Prayer –

I began praying for my husband daily. I did pray for him before, but often, it felt like throw away prayers, or prayers tattling on him to God. God, he did this… God, he did that… God, do something about this…

What I had to do was strategically pray for him. On seven index cards I wrote out areas to pray for him and would cycle through the cards each week. Some days were mostly spent crying out to God for help but most days were pointed prayer for my husband’s wellbeing.

Stop Correcting –

I started noticing that I would often correct my husband, and criticize, thinking I was helping. We can feel like because we have good intent, and want to help, this gives us a free pass to lavish criticism. To him all he heard was, “You aren’t doing it right” and “You’re not good enough.” Correction and critiques can really tear down another person. This was something I worked at very hard to stop.

Sometimes I can fall into this again, and I have to stop, make a turn, and apologize. No one likes a critic.

Give Praise –

I began to look for things I could praise in my husband. This can sometimes be hard when you have hurt feelings, but if we look hard enough, we can find things. It may be little things like, “I like the way you organized our garage” or “I noticed you cleaned up the mess in the den, it looks good.” The more you look for good you will find it. Hopefully you can move on to, “You’re such a hard worker, and I appreciate that in you” and “The way you dressed today really got me thinking about you all day.”

I found the more I looked for things to praise in him, the more I saw things. And the list became unending. Soon praises were flowing more than criticisms.

Say Thank You –

I realized saying thank you to my husband was very affirming to him. As I looked and saw good, I also thanked him for what I saw. I looked for things I could say thank you for daily. And as many times as possible. “Thank you for coming home on time,” and “Thank you for getting gas in my car,” and “Thank you for cleaning up the kitchen.”

We can get into the mindset that our husbands are supposed to do things and become expectant. This will lessen our ability to have a thankful heart for them. I have found being thankful and saying thank you not only lifts him up but I am lifted up in the process as well. Even him holding a door can warrant a thank you, don’t you agree?

Turning our marriage around to make it what it is today—not perfect, but thriving and passionate—wasn’t easy. But it was so so worth it.

For more from Lucille Williams check out her books The Impossible Kid: Parenting a Strong-Willed Child with Love and Grace, and for your marriage, From Me to We, and The Intimacy You Crave. We invite you to subscribe to LuSays today for weekly encouragement.