When Adult Children Are Making Decisions We Don’t Agree With

It can drive us crazy. We’ve all been there. Our child makes an unwise decision. Whether you have adult kids or you are still raising yours, this is something all parents will face at one time or another.

It can keep you up at night.

It can bring on well-crafted and beautifully delivered lectures.

It can leave you with your head spinning like a horror movie. 

This is something I get asked about often. If you’re feeling like this, please know you’re not alone. Parenting is tough and it doesn’t ever feel like it’s over, even when you’re 99 and they are 79.

It all stems from us not wanting our children to feel pain. We don’t want them to make mistakes. We don’t want them to make the same mistakes we’ve made. We know better, and if they’d only listen…

Why?

Why, wont’ you listen to me?

I can save you so much pain and sorrow, if you’d only take my advice.

What I have discovered is that it all starts with a mindset. I’m like you, I hate to see any of my children suffer or go through hardship—I want to stop it. Now.

But what I’ve realized is that sometimes, even oftentimes, they know what’s better for them more than I do. I can hear you gasping!

Mercy! Don’t go there!

Allow me to explain…

Since my kids were young, I valued their opinions. Sometimes the way they saw the world was a breath of fresh air for me. Their thoughts and opinions had value for me, and I recognized their individual talents and thinking.

A little side story…

Recently my son and his family were staying with us visiting from Texas. My husband and I had put up new pictures—it was one of those where you could either have space between the wall art or not. Well, I chose to put them all together. 

Tim said, “Mom, this is wrong. They should be spaced apart. It’ll look better.”

As I contemplated his observation, my daughter-in-law said, “Don’t let him sway you! If you like it this way, then leave it! Don’t listen to him.”

I asked her, “Do you agree? Should I separate the pictures?”

“Well, yes,” she said, “I do think it will look better but do what YOU like. Don’t let him change your opinion.”

As I thought about it, I thought maybe Tim was right, maybe it would look better the way he saw it. I told him that maybe he was on to something.

“Okay Mom, I’ll move them and then you can decide. I can always put it back.”

I agreed and he went to work moving my wall art around. It became a fun project for him and his dad.

In the end, Tim was right. It was better after all.

Here’s my point from this silly story…

When we listen to our kids and give their opinions value and recognize WE CAN BE WRONG it only enhances our relationship with them.

Even if we are right—lecturing, demanding, pushing our view—will only hurt our relationship.

Now, please understand, I’m not talking about taking drugs or robbing a bank—that’s another subject for another day.

I’m talking about basic life. At some point we need to trust our children to be the captain of their own ships.

And more importantly, hand them over to God who will do way better than we ever could.

When we cheer, trust, support, and LOVE our kids through whatever decisions they are making, that’s when they most likely will ask for our input. But even if they don’t, life will teach them. We can’t shield them from learning. And oftentimes learning is done through poor decisions.

But then again, that’s looking at it from the perspective that we know better and that we are right. And, I don’t know about you, but, I am wrong a lot. A LOT.

If we want to have a good and healthy relationship with our adult children, we need to value their thoughts and opinions, especially those where they will reap the results.

We need to change our mindset which says because I’m the parent I always know what’s best.

Maybe we can trust that our child can navigate their own life to do what’s best for them?

And if you can’t do that, then do your best to trust God with your child’s journey.

If you can adapt this mindset your child will be drawn to you rather than away from you. At the end of the empty nest, isn’t that what we want?

For more from Lucille Williams check out her books: The Impossible Kid: Parenting a Strong-Willed Child with Love and Grace, and for your marriage, From Me to We, and The Intimacy You Crave. And on preorder Turtle Finds His Talent for ages 2-6. We invite you to subscribe to LuSays today for weekly encouragement.