The Top 5 Mistakes Couples Make

Some days I can get so focused on me and over consume with the pressures life throws at me. Some days I almost forget there is another person in my life—a husband. A husband who I vowed to love and cherish and adore. A husband who is oh-so-good to me and yet some days I can fall into traps that can harm my marriage.

Maybe you can relate?

We as married couples can get so busy with life and fall into these 5 traps.

The Top 5 Mistakes Couples Make

1. Allowing unforgiveness to fester. 

I can get so mad and keep thinking about the “offense” that was done to me. I keep playing it over and over in my head. On those days I need to stop and look at it from a different perspective. Did he mean to hurt me? Did he intentionally try to cause anger within me? Or maybe am I taking this a bit too personally when no ill intent was meant? Usually if I really think about it, I’m holding on to something I just need to let go. Now, I know there are some hurts that need to be unpacked and dug in to, but most of the time we can choose to let it go.

• Staying up and fighting.

Ephesians 4:26-27 tells us, “Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger and do not give the devil an opportunity.” And we interpret that as fight it out until it’s over. Usually that’s a really poor choice. When it’s late and both parties are tired emotions and feelings and rotten words can run wild. I know, I’ve done it. Better to table the “discussion” and return to it in the morning when you can have a fresh start. Say, “I love you, let’s go to bed. We will talk about this in the morning.” When my husband and I have done this we can resolve things usually in less than 5 minutes in the morning. Not even kidding.

• Trying to fix the other.

We all know we can’t marry someone in hopes to “fix” them, and yet, we can fall into this so easily. I know for myself it’s always done under the guise of “I just want to help him.” We can use that for everything. But what we all need is a listening ear. Someone who will listen to us and offer compassion is one of the most valuable things we can have and give to another. We all want our spouse to be present and attentive and when we are it is powerful in our relationships.

• Stop being your spouse’s cheerleader.

When we criticize our partner it’s like throwing darts at them. The opposite of that is being their cheerleader. There was a pastor I know who when he finished preaching his wife would immediately go into critiques of his message. This would devastate him. She thought she was helping but it was hurting him. What he needed was a cheerleader and not a critic. That’s what we all need. We all need our spouse to be our cheerleader. Luckily, this wife realized she needed to change the way she was “helping” her husband. 

• Taking things personally.

When you’re married it’s hard not to take things personally. I know for me, if my husband seems upset or uneasy my first question to myself is, Did I do something to cause this? We are there, and they seem upset, so, cause and effect, right? It must be us! But no. Usually it has nothing to do with us. It’s human nature to make things about us but more often than not it’s not about us. Not everything is about us. What my husband and I have learned to do is ask simple questions like… Are we okay? Are you upset with me? Did I do something? Instead of taking it personally ask questions and don’t make it about you.

For more from Lucille Williams on marriage check out her books, From Me to We, and The Intimacy You Crave. Have kids? Order a copy of The Impossible Kid: Parenting a Strong-Willed Child with Love and Grace. And on preorder Turtle Finds His Talent for ages 2-6. Subscribe to LuSays today for weekly encouragement.