The Key to Better Relationships for This Year

One of my adult kids was spending the day with us last week and I totally blew it. While he was sharing with us some recent decisions he had made I blurted out, “Don’t do that again. That’s not going to be good for you to do again, and…” Well, you can probably fill in whatever you want there after the three dots but let me tell you, it wasn’t good. Luckily he knew my mom heart and gave me “the look” and said, “Mom, stop. You don’t need to tell me that.” And. He. Was. Completely. Right. I pulled back and shut up.

What I did was jump right into judgement. No one wants judgement in their relationships. No one.

Later in the week I called him to let him know I loved him and was so proud of him. We can always redeem ourselves after a crash. Not jumping to conclusions and thinking I know what’s right or best with my adult kids is something I need to continually work on.

As our new year begins you may be thinking about things you’d like to improve on for the coming year. Maybe through the holiday season you’ve spent more time with your adult kids and are saddened by their recent decisions or perhaps you’ve put on a few extra pounds that you want to shed. Or maybe you’re wondering how you will take on this new season of parenting with a preschooler or pre-teen or teenager.

No matter what your challenges are one thing that can help is to be curious and not judgmental.

If we are curious about others’ decisions and ask questions we can better understand where they are coming from.

If we are curious about how we added some pounds instead of beating ourselves up over it is way more kind. Being judgmental gets us no closer to a solution, but if we are curious we can consider solutions. With curiosity we can find answers.

Instead of judging ourselves over our parenting style and how it will fare as a new season approaches, we can decide to be curious and not judgmental of ourselves. No parent has all the answers. We can choose kindness and curiosity as we seek answers and choose to not judge ourselves.

In our relationships with others, we can pull back from judgment and be curious.

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. said,

“I am convinced that men hate each other because they fear each other. They fear each other because they don’t know each other and they don’t know each other because they don’t communicate with each other because they are separated from each other.”

So, for this year instead of running to judgements, let’s ask questions…

-Help me to understand this better, can you please explain it to me?

-How can I understand myself better and my actions, what steps do I need to make?

-Can you tell me more about that experience?

-Help me understand why you decided to do that?

-What are your thoughts on what we’ve talked about?

People, and this includes our children, don’t like to be around those who are judging us. If we feel judgement, love seems to vanish in the moment. Feeling loved and judged just isn’t a winning combination. If we want our loved ones to feel loved we need to bypass judgment. We can show love by being curious and accepting. And we can do this for ourselves as well.

“Do not judge, so that you will not be judged. For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you.

– Matthew 7:1-2

For more from Lucille Williams check out her books The Impossible Kid: Parenting a Strong-Willed Child with Love and Grace, and for your marriage, From Me to We, and The Intimacy You Crave. And Turtle Finds His Talent for ages 2-6. We invite you to subscribe to LuSays today for weekly encouragement.