The First Day of School
I don’t recall my first day of school but I do recall my first day of third grade. It was a memorable day because we had just moved to the area and my parents were dropping me off—the only time I can remember them doing so. I met who would be my best friend throughout my school years that momentous day. Little Karen who introduced herself as “the little girl with the crooked pinkies.” As she said those words she put her pinkies together. I was greatly amused by her and she was greatly amused by my parents dropping me off. We were fast friends sitting across from each other because we both wanted to sit in the front—problem solving was already introduced to our friendship.
Moving forward to today, my little granddaughter was beginning kindergarten, while my grandson started the second grade. A much bigger day for the kindergartener than for the second grader. As we (my husband and I) walked up with our daughter, son-in-law, and the two grandkids, parents were scattered all around in one large cluster. After taking “first-day-of-school-pictures” it was time to release the kids into the schoolyard which was separated by a rod iron (kind of like prison bars) fence. Tears filled both mine and my daughter’s eyes as little Allie (who screams, I’m big not little) made her grand entrance to school for the first time.
As Allie walked down the long, barred fence all the adults walked with her. Her water bottle somehow got separated from her backpack. Her dad’s long strong arms reached through the fence grabbing the water bottle and putting it securely back in Allie’s backpack. Dad saved the day before she was off to fend for herself. The rest of the day Dad would not be there to “put things back where they belonged.”
It got me thinking about the balance between helping our kids and letting them figure things out for themselves. Would an act of love such as helping through the fence hinder her ability to “fend for herself”?
Then I watched my dear granddaughter stand and take in the playground. She stopped and crouched down a bit looking as though she was preparing herself for the big day and the big playground in front of her. Whether Dad had helped with the water bottle or not the rest of the day would be navigated on her own. I found myself wishing I could run out to her and hold her and tell her she’d be okay.
Letting go was a difficult process for me as a mom. I’d cry tears after the kids left to school, camp, and then, college and marriage. My grief was mine to process apart from them while a big part of me, although sad, was so proud of the steps they were making. Big brave steps.
And here was little Allie (big Allie!) taking a big brave step.
As our kids grow our relationship changes with them. Letting go and accepting they are no longer under our control all the time will forever be the foundation of our healthy adult relationship with them. My son-in-law with his big arms through the fence became a symbol of that to me on this day. He had projected, loved, and nurtured and then helped right up until he could no longer reach and then let her fly.
Allowing our kids to fly while we lavish them with love and affirmation will then help them to soar. When they make that final step of merging into adulthood and being responsible for themselves requires us as parents to take on a new role of cheerleader, encourager, and sometimes coach when asked. Foolish are the remarks of condemnation or rebuke—they will only put a fracture in the new adult relationship.
In so many ways the first day of school is that first step to them moving toward independence. And what a beautiful thing that is. I had no idea my new relationship with all three of my adult children would be the most beautiful of all.
So, if you are anything like I was when my kids took big brave steps away, know it only gets more wonderful and more beautiful if we support them to be all God designed them to be.
Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: “Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.” -Proverbs 31:28-29
For more from Lucille Williams check out her books The Impossible Kid: Parenting a Strong-Willed Child with Love and Grace, and for your marriage, From Me to We, and The Intimacy You Crave. And Turtle Finds His Talent for ages 2-6. We invite you to subscribe to LuSays today for regular encouragement.
