Taking the Pressure Off Your Kids for the Holidays

With Thanksgiving only days away, and Christmas coming soon, holiday festivities and celebrations have begun…

During the holiday season we parents can put undue pressure on our kids, even though it may feel like it’s coming from a place of love.

Do you remember—or this may be you now—how difficult it was packing up kids and traveling during the holiday season? Or the feeling of angst trying to be “fair” with all family members and figuring out where you’ll spend your time? Family “responsibilities” in trying to make everyone happy, on top of the regular demands of the season, can make you cuckoo. And yet, when our kids have their own families, we are expecting they will magically appear on all holidays.

This can put extra stress and distress on them.

Truly loving our kids is understanding what they need and what’s most helpful and joyful for them.

I learned this lesson the hard way.

The first Christmas after my daughter got married I informed her and her new husband what time they were expected at my home for Christmas Eve brunch—a family tradition. I seriously thought I was being loving by including and informing them.

They did arrive close to the assigned time—actually, they were over 30 minutes late!—and they looked like they were going out for a jog, not to a family celebration. I knew something was up, but I wasn’t sure what.

Later, I asked my daughter about it. She said, “Mom, you never asked us if we wanted to come, and you expected us to be here.”

Gulp! She was right.

Maybe they wanted to have their own special first Christmas Eve celebration alone. I had never even given that a thought. I thought I was doing something nice. But really what I did was put pressure on them to be at my house, and they did want to join us, but because I didn’t ask or consider otherwise, they were feeling resentment. Totally understandable.

We want our kids to come to our home without pressure, without angst, and without resentment.

When they know we’ll support their choices and what’s best for them, and that we will be accommodating, not only does it make for a better holiday season, it makes for a better relationship. No one wants parents who pressure them.

After learning this lesson the hard way I’ve done my best to consider my kids situation, what’s best for them, and express I’ll be okay with whatever they decide.

When we put expectations on our kids we are attempting to manipulate free choice. When they know they can choose us, or not, without repercussions, it will draw them closer. And if they do choose to spend time with you it won’t be out of obligation or manipulation. It will be a free choice of love.

I have learned, if I want something from my kids to ask—and to ask with no expectation or pressure.

“Can I come over?”

“Can you talk?”

“Will you bring the kids over?”

“Can you drive me to the airport?”

Sometimes I hear yes, and sometimes I hear no, depending upon what they want or can or can’t do. When we eliminate expectations it opens the door to love and mutual respect and a deeper relationship with our kids.

When they do choose time with us, it is so much sweeter.

And now a closing Thanksgiving story:

My daughter and I were visiting my parents last week. I got a text from my son on Friday—who lives in another state—to call him and that it was urgent. Of course, I called immediately.

“Mom, can we borrow your car?”

“Yes…?”

“Because we arrive on Monday, we just booked our flight.”

As tears formed, I screamed with joy…

My 84-year-old dad came running from his bedroom in his boxer shorts thinking my mom was screaming for him, “What, what?”

My daughter told him everything was okay.

“Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.”

– 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

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