Is It Codependency?

On this night, the night before my husband returns to work after his sabbatical, I am overcome with incredible grabbling sadness. I have so enjoyed having him around. The term all good things come to an end is so very real for me at this moment. I wish I could say this time as been all good, and enjoyable, but it hasn’t.

Straight up, it’s been excruciatingly painful.

It’s been an emotional journey. It’s been a journey of healing. It started with surgery and ended with physical and emotional healing. Healing on any level can be painful, but once it’s over, good. New things emerge from healing. New life emerges from healing.

I wish I could say I look forward to retirement, when we both can bask in the beautiful days of leisure. But truthfully, I don’t ever see my husband retiring. He is in ministry and when you’re in ministry do you ever really retire?

You might be thinking, “How codependent are you?” I am asking myself that same question. Can’t I be so madly in love with my husband that I’m sad I will not be spending as much time with him?

He’s a pastor which means I always have to share him. Pastor wives step aside gracefully over and over. We step aside for schedules. We step aside for church events. We step aside for other families. We step aside for the kingdom.

I love spending time with my husband and I’m sad because I know this season is over. I will not be able to spend casual mornings with him and late nights abandoning any thought for the next day.

Is it codependency or being madly in love? I’ll let you judge me here.

I’m just thankful I got to spend this time with him. All of it. The painful parts of it and the exhilarating parts of it.

For tonight I’m scared of what tomorrow will bring. I know this time of mega-togetherness is over and I don’t want it to end. 

After 37 years you’d think I’d be sick of him, but I’m not, I can’t get enough of him.

What’s our secret?

Here it is….

Always look for the good and always forgive the not so good. That’s the secret. That’s the magic formula. That’s it. Pretty simple.

And as for tonight, I’ll just be sad. Really sad.

Fondly,

Lu

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