How to Restore a Relationship with Your Adult Child

Relationships can be complicated. Being a parent is complicated and oftentimes difficult. Being a child of a complicated and multidimensional parent can be complicated and painful.

Being human can sometimes be very complicated, so it is no surprise that sometimes our relationships—even our most treasured ones—can be difficult and complicated. The longer a divide exists in a parent/child relationship, the harder it is to restore. 

I’ve often sat across from a mom agonizing over a failed or trying relationship with an adult child. These conversations are often the most difficult to navigate. They usually come with hurt feelings, feelings of shame, feelings of regret, and an overarching feeling of dismay and confusion. Why? How? How did I lose my little girl or boy? More often these feelings are masked with sadness and a level of indignation to fight off the pain.

The first step is a question. The question is, Do you want to restore the relationship?

If the answer is yes, then the next is, What are you willing to do to restore the relationship?

Lastly, How patient are you willing to be in the waiting?

AFTER you’ve answered those then it’s time to take inventory. Pray and ask God to show you how your child might be feeling. Do your very best to see the situation or “divide” from your child’s perspective. How may have you hurt her? How may have you caused problems for him?

I’ve heard of mother-in-law’s saying some of the most hurtful things to their daughter-in-law’s. Criticizing their choices in style or parenting or job. I’ve heard of mother-in-law’s saying such things to their daughter-in-law’s as, “You’ll never get a job with…that tattoo or piercing or whatever.” And then wonder why they’ve caused a rift in their son’s marriage and consequently in their relationship with said son.

I’ve heard of mother-in-law’s who criticize their sons-in-law with their daughters and help take small problems and propel them into possible marriage breakers.

I’ve heard of father-in-law’s who attempt to control their adult children using money, condemnation and/or judgement.

Take inventory. Look at yourself and see where you may have crossed a line with your child.

MANY at this point move to how their child has hurt them. This is unproductive. Instead go back to “What are you willing to do to restore the relationship?”

Like when you brought that little baby home, you had to be the parent, albeit mistakes and fears and all, but you had to step up and be the parent. Taking responsibility for how you’ve contributed to the divide in the relationship is stepping up and being a parent once again. An adult parent. With a now adult child. It’ll look differently but it’s time to step up if you want restoration.

Once you’ve prayed and taken inventory it’s time to reach out. This can be tricky depending on where you are in the relationship. Whether you try to see them in person or call or write will be your decision. The main point is to reach out to apologize sincerely for whatever part is yours to own in the broken relationship. These attempts may fail but you need to keep trying in a respectful and gentle manner.

When you get a chance to talk with them ask, “How have I offended or hurt you?” And listen, really listen. Then own it and apologize. Even if you don’t feel you’ve done anything or done “said thing” intentionally you can apologize for their hurt.

If your child is willing to accept your apology don’t expect one back. But instead let them know you’ll move forward being more careful in the future. In addition, let them know that if you do offend or hurt them in the future you’ll be willing to listen to how they’ve been hurt.

Now, this doesn’t mean that you don’t hold boundaries with your adult child, but moving forward in the relationship will require gentleness and perseverance in understanding their side of the “street.” You may need to get some professional help in understanding yourself and tools to navigate your new relationship with your child—if they decide restoration is something they want too.

When you have an adult child it’s like having a new relationship—one with mutual respect and love. It’s time to give up the mindset of, I’m the parent so I deserve [you fill in the plank] from my child.

They now get to choose if they want you in their life and most adult children do. But what they don’t want is a parent who is trying to control or manipulate or criticize or give unsolicited advice. (Often because we think we know what’s best for our child. And maybe we do but they may not want to hear it and need to figure it out for themselves. Just like we had to do.) What most want is a parent who will give unconditional love, support, and care, who will be their biggest cheerleader in life. If you can do that they will welcome you with open arms.

Then we can love and praise and cheer and be there to listen when they want us to, and even sometimes give advice…if they want us to. The most important thing is that you’ll have one of your greatest treasures back.

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” – Matthew 7:3-5 (NIV)

Children are a heritage from the LORD, offspring a reward from him. – Psalm 127:3 (NIV)

For more from Lucille Williams check out her books The Impossible Kid: Parenting a Strong-Willed Child with Love and Grace, and for your marriage, From Me to We, and The Intimacy You Crave. And Turtle Finds His Talent for ages 2-6.