How to Avoid a Sexless Marriage

A recent survey with the National Sleep Foundation found that twenty-three percent of married people routinely sleep in separate beds.

A week goes by, then a month, which turns into two months, and then a year passes, and you realize you haven’t had a good roll in the sheets in way… way… too long.

Many couples ask the question, “How did we get here?”

Three Barriers to Change –

(1.) Going outside of the marriage.

At this point some seek out other “bedfellows.” Another “partner” who will validate their need for attention, passion, and self-worth.

(2.) Excuses.

Some continue in the “dry” spell and make excuses like…

• We’ve just been so busy.
• I’ve gained weight and am just not interested in “getting cozy” anymore because I don’t feel sexy.
• The kids take up all of my extra time and energy.
• My partner has “let themselves go” and aren’t making any effort, so neither will I.
• I’m building my business and need to keep my focus on work for my family.
• Excuse that either you fall asleep on the couch or your mate does.

Can you think of a few yourself? There can be many excuses.

(3.) Settling for less.

While others rationalize whatever the “infrequency” is and justify that this is “normal and okay.” Men and women settle in with a relationship that’s mediocre, enduring a sex life that is subpar, lacks luster, frequency, and any va-va-voom.

According to Good House Keeping twelve percent of married people haven’t had sex for at least three months.

When we accept any of these three barriers it can not only cause our relationships to be less than ideal, it can also lead to a life that is mediocre. Not to say that the only way to have a vibrant life is to engage in hot sex regularly—but it sure helps. And if you’re married, your happy forever after may hinder on it. 

So, what does one do?

First…

What NOT to do –

• Don’t host your own pity party. Refrain from thinking, “Oh poor me, I’ll just wallow in my passionless relationship.”
• Anger. Anger is not going to get you closer to “dancing in the sheets.” If anything it will lead you further away. Understandably, it can be hard to resist getting mad. But if you can hold off irritation, and instead, focus on a solution you can move your cause forward. Outbursts of anger will most certainly add to your problem. 
• Pointing the finger. It’s her fault. He works too much. When has pointing a finger ever gotten anyone what they desired? And this applies even more so with our intimate relationships.
• Don’t go outside of your marriage. This is the longest and darkest road to nowhere fast. Just ask anyone who chose this route. Things may have turned out okay eventually but it was a painful journey for sure with grave consequences.

Steps to get back on the passion track –

• Look at yourself. Be brave enough to ask yourself how you may be contributing to the problem. Be honest with yourself. This one step could solve your “dry” season…and quick.
• Open up and be vulnerable. This can be tough because we all know rejection can be scary. No one likes rejection or being turned down. Step out and share how you’re feeling in a non-accusatory way. Just share your feelings and desires and offer trust to your partner.
• Have a conversation. Schedule a time to talk about intimacy. How? Just come right out and ask, Honey, can we schedule a time to talk about our sex life?
• Take action. You want your mate to respond differently to you, approach them differently. Step out. Take a leap.

Sexless marriages are becoming an epidemic. And I don’t have to remind you of the divorce rates, we’ve all been affected one way or another by divorce. We’ve all seen families blown apart—the fallout can be too much too bear. Maybe if we all educate ourselves a bit more and strategically work on keeping the va-va in our va-va-voom we’d all be smiling more and have healthier relationships.

Fondly,

Lu

Lucille Williams is the author of “From Me to We” and “The Intimacy You Crave: Straight Talk about Sex and Pancakes”   order a copy today to enhance your marriage. Subscribe to LuSays for weekly encouragement.