Having a Relationship with Your Adult Children
I’ve heard many sad stories of adult children who ceased to have a relationship with their parents.
“My kids don’t talk to me.”
“After the divorce my kids sided with their mother.”
“I haven’t seen my daughter for over two years.”
“I stopped by my son’s house to drop off a gift for my grandson’s birthday and left it on the front step. My son saw me and waved, and I waved back.”
It’s a huge transition going from living with your parents to living on your own. When our children leave our home the relationship we once had will most definitely change. Some continue to have flourishing connections while others seem to have a wedge.
How do we continue a close bond with our kids after they are adults?
Maybe you can relate…
When my kids became adults I desired to continue my relationship with them. I knew things had to change, I didn’t get to make the rules anymore, and they would be making decisions separate from me. How would I foster a safe space where they wanted to stay engaged with me? It took some figuring out, but I committed to working on a continued close connection with each of my children.
I made a good amount of mistakes…
- by speaking out of turn
- trying to “enforce” what I wanted
- conveying disapproval when I should have been loving
- talking when I needed to listen
And I could go on and on…
But what I would rather focus on is ways to improve our relationship with our adult kids.
One of the first things I learned was that I had to own my balderdash, baloney, malarkey. We all have “stuff,” and our kids know what that “stuff” is more than anyone. When I got called out, I had to own up to my dysfunctions. This can be painful, and also very freeing.
I learned to apologize freely. “Yup, I did that. I’m so sorry and I’m sorry it hurt you. Please forgive me.” A parent who can say those words will bridge any gap in the relationship.
Respecting your child’s “no” is a biggie. If they say no, I had to learn to accept it and be okay with it. We can get used to our children saying yes to us while they live in our home, and then, hearing no’s can get hard to swallow with a smile.
Most adult children want to hear how good they are doing, and not disapproval from their parents. When I talk to my father-in-law he will often say, “You’re doing good.” Those words are so comforting, and I love hearing it. Our kids want to hear how proud we are of them. Even after my workout routine the “instructor” on the other side of my TV will sometimes say, “Good job! I’m proud of you!” at the close of the workout, and I think, Yeah, I’m proud of me too as I walk off to conquer the rest of my day. I love hearing that too, even from a TV.
It’s important to ask and not tell. No adult wants to be told what to do. I’ve gotten in the habit of asking my children when I want something, and then, not expect that they will always say yes.
When our kids become adults, we can have an even more enjoyable and richer more fulfilling relationship with them.
I thought it would be fun to sit down with my three adult children and have a conversation about relationships when our kids are adults. It was emotional at times, eye opening, and humbling. They dump all the dirt about Mom. And it was also so much fun and we laughed a lot too. If you’re interested, please listen to this podcast.
Getting married or know someone who is? Do you want to set your marriage on fire? The Intimacy You Crave: Straight Talk about Sex and Pancakes by Lucille Williams brings relatable, real-life stories of everyday women that will challenge and equip you to work toward a greater intimacy that infiltrates every area of your married life. Pick up a copy HERE. As the wedding season approaches you may know someone who’s getting engaged, From Me to We would make a perfect gift. GET a copy HERE.
