Harmony in Marital Conflict

I was mad. The more I thought about it, the angrier I got. This may not sound odd to you, but over the years I have learned to “talk myself down” whenever I start to feel frustrated about something in my marriage. I’m all for giving the benefit of the doubt and thinking on all the good—which I practice regularly. Daily actually.

But on this day angry and irritated and confused took over.

I decided to make an appointment to talk with my husband. Yes, I made an appointment. I didn’t want to broach a subject when he may be feeling empty and/or previously aggravated before I even started. I’ve gone down that road and it isn’t a nice ride.

After expressing my feelings with no accusations or belligerency I sat back and listened.

I listened to understand.

Turns out he felt exactly as I did regarding the situation. We talked about it and together he helped me understand his thinking, which cleared up my confusion, and come up with a plan of action for me, which eliminated my anger. 

I’d love it if all potential conflicts could go like this. [Insert celebration emoji.]

Before we get to serious celebrating…

Is it wrong to be angry toward your spouse?

I don’t think so.

It’s what we do with our feelings that will matter the most. Our feelings can get us all tied up in what we want, what we need, and how we are not getting what we deserve. Once we start traveling down this road it’s a hard U-turn to get back on the happy-marriage-track.

But I want to live on the happy-marriage-track—don’t you?

When it’s the right time—timing matters!—go to your spouse with a demeanor of understanding and grace. And most of all…listen. Listen to understand. Listen for their heart. Listen for clarity. Listen, and do your best to see it from their perspective. Listen to imagine walking in their path.

Put the anger aside and investigate your feelings and work toward harmony.

We can have harmony in our marriage if we work on it.

Happy marriages don’t last by happen stance or some kind of luck. Happy marriages last because two people are committed to their togetherness and will work for it, nurture it, and fight for it.

For more from Lucille Williams on marriage order a copy of “From Me to We” and “The Intimacy You Crave.”For tools to parent your strong-willed child order “The Impossible Kid: Parenting a Strong-Willed Child with Love and Grace.”