Goal Weight

If six months ago—in a fantasy world—my “Fairy Godmother” gave me the ability to choose between my goal weight and a half a million dollars, I think I would have chosen the goal weight. Is that a little too much honesty?

Goals are great. Reaching a goal is hard. Reaching the goal of your optimum weight is really, really hard. It is a goal I have worked at most of my life.

Today, I am at my goal weight, and it’s not all I thought it would be. Sure, I feel good, I weigh less than I did in high school, and I weigh less than I did on my wedding day, over 30 years ago. But allow me to let you in on a little secret—all of my problems are still here. Somehow I thought goal weight equaled no more problems, or…at least, I’d have fewer problems. Or, at the very least, my problems would be easier to deal with. Magically, liken to having my own personal Fairy Godmother on call, goal weight promised complete happiness. Yes, stupid me.

Back to reality—on the contrary, problems hurt more. Feelings seem stronger. The sting of rejection radiates longer, the insults cut sharper, and wounds penetrate deeper. The perceived uncaring from others hits like a blow from a champion boxer.

Why are feelings so much stronger now? I think it is because I do not have the excuse of “size” to fall back on, to hide behind. I do not have my best friend of indulgence to soften my blows; I am not getting lost in a big bowl of soothing goodies.

I have to face life head on, and as it turns out, I am more sensitive and softer than I ever realized. Is this good? Maybe…but it definitely hurts more.

Yes, anyone can go on a diet and lose weight, but the work of dealing with your emotions can be excruciating. Until I dealt with some underlying causes, my goal was just that, a goal.

This goal for me took over 30 years to achieve, one in which I thought would fix everything.

Is life better now? I haven’t completely figured that out yet…but what I have figured out is that life is more painful. I, in many ways, am finding out who I am. The person I am without hiding behind the proverbial mask, a mask of food and longing for change, focusing on what I didn’t have. I am no longer viewing my problems through the eyes of blame—blaming food, blaming metabolism, blaming pounds.

And the future? Something tells me that staying at this goal will prove to be harder than getting here. There is more work ahead.

I have discovered the key to reaching goals is to first discover why you are not there in the first place. What is it that is holding you back? After you discover what has held you back, you can then tackle your barricade with full force and conquer it.

Yes, part of me feels on top of the world, but then, there is part that feels like a little girl. A little girl who is venturing out into a world that is unknown. And life still hurts. In fact, it hurts more. Each new day brings foreign torrent in addition to the usual ups and downs, along with the ever-present desire for a lemon-filled donut.