Do I Force My Child to Go to Church?

On Sunday mornings you can find me serving in the children’s ministry. This past Sunday I watched as a mom literally pulled her child into the children’s program. This child laid on the floor as his mom dragged him by his arm until she successfully had him in the room, and then, wouldn’t let him out, even though he tried as hard as he could to run. My heart ached for this child. My heart ached for this mom.

I spent the majority of my time during the kids service in the back corner of the room sitting on the floor with this little boy. When he didn’t want to get on his feet for the music worship time I didn’t either. We sat in the back on the floor—me in a dress, him clutching his smoothie from a local coffee shop.

Later a little girl who knew him came and sat with us. Just the three of us “worshiping” together.

Slowly this little boy began to talk with me. By the time small groups formed he was ready to participate.

What do you do when your child doesn’t want to go to church? I’ve been asked this question so many times and it’s a complicated answer. The solution can be different for all of us.

When my youngest was three years old, upon picking him up from Sunday school, I heard these difficult words, “Mrs. Williams, we had a problem with Joey this week.” My response was, “I’m so sorry. I’ll be here next week to help you.” And I was. I did not believe it was the children’s ministry volunteer staff’s job to take care of my children. I felt that was my responsibility. If he was acting up, that was my problem, not theirs.

Eventually, I became the teacher for the class. And there were no longer problems with my little “spirited” boy.

My kids knew Mom cared about their faith. My kids knew Mom cared about their relationship with God. My kids knew Mom cared about their spiritual journey and growth. They knew because I continually showed up and supported them along their path as they grew in their relationship with Jesus Christ.

What do you do if your child doesn’t want to go to church?

If your child doesn’t want to go to church, it’s time to investigate. Take off the parent hat and put on the investigator hat. Investigators aren’t emotionally invested and can look at a situation from a different perspective. Also, an investigator is not blaming themselves. If this is you, you’ve done nothing wrong. Most kids at some point do something, or many things, which cause a parent to stop and think, “What in the world? Where did I go wrong?”

Kids have free choice, and their own thoughts, just like us. We are all set free by grace, no one can force us into a relationship.

Spend time with your child. They need you. They need you to find out what is going on in their life. They need you to listen. They need you to understand. Spend time with no agenda, just time to be with and take in your child’s world. Be present. Try to see things from their perspective.

Be inquisitive. At a later time, ask questions. Find out why they don’t want to go to church. It’s possible they have legitimate reasons. Listen and understand their point of view.

Be proactive. Next, check out their program. Go with them and find out what is happening at church for them. During one of the programs I’m involved in a little boy would regularly cry and have strong anxiety. His mom has been coming each week and sits on the side of the room. He’s doing great now. This mom is sending a message to her son that he’s important and that she cares about his world. When he’s ready she will slip out, eventually.

Let your child be part of the solution. Maybe a different time with a different service would be better for your child. Maybe they’d prefer to sit with you. When we bring our kids in and allow them to speak into what decisions will be made, it can be impressive what they might come up with. After all, it is their spiritual journey.

Be patient. In the end, it’s a process. It may take time before your child feels okay about going to church. Stay patient, be loving and understanding, and give yourself and your child grace. One day they may be loving church and dragging you there. With God all things are possible (Mark 10:27).

Want more from Lucille Williams on this topic? Order a copy of “The Impossible Kid: Parenting a Strong-Willed Child with Love and Grace.” For marriage tips “From Me to We,” and “The Intimacy You Crave” can help you get the relationship you dream of.