Connecting in Marriage

In the early years of our marriage my husband and I would do things to try and connect to each other. Sometimes these attempts at reaching toward one another would result in fights. One of us would try to connect and we would connect but it would go sideways and turn into fighting connecting.

Not exactly the best way to foster a healthy enjoyable marriage.

It can go like this…

Maybe we had a bad day at work and as we try and talk to our mate about it we inadvertently say something hurtful. “I had a really bad day, and I tried to call you but you didn’t answer. I guess you were too busy for me.”

And then a fight breaks out.

Things turned around in our marriage when we both looked for and sought out good and healthy connection.

Instead of taking offense at botched attempts we focused on feelings and expressing our wants. And we gave the other the benefit of the doubt when we heard words that could be taken as harsh or accusatory.

One time I was listening to an interview I had done and Mike came in the room—I don’t often listen to interviews but this time I had in order to prepare for another upcoming interview. Listening I became overly critical of myself—the reason I don’t usually listen—and felt frustrated. That’s when Mike came in the room and I paused the recording.

He said something really sweet and wanted to engage in conversation—in connection.

I was short, unresponsive, and rude.

Mike just went in another room, and did something else.

I went back to listening.

Then, I realized how terrible I had been. I knew I was feeling frustrated with the interview but was embarrassed to tell him so. This meant explaining my rudeness would mean accepting my feelings about being embarrassed and then sharing them with him.

I didn’t want to.

So, I waited—just a few minutes.

I knew I needed to apologize and share my awkward and vulnerable feelings. But I really didn’t want to.

Finding him in another room I took a deep breath and started with an apology. I explained how I felt about the interview and then said my rudeness had nothing to do with him, that I was frustrated with myself.

What he said was like salve to a wound…

“Honey, I heard that interview, I thought you did really well. You’re being too hard on yourself.”

I felt so much better. Making the choice to explain my feelings caused us to have good connection.

Sometimes it can be hard to be vulnerable and open up to our spouse, but when we do, it bridges the gap between emptiness and connection. 

Trust your mate with your feelings.

Be brave and be vulnerable.

Look for connection.

 Embrace love.

Thanks for visiting LuSays. Need a gift for the season? Check out books by Lucille Williams: Know someone who’s getting married? From Me to We would make the perfect gift. Want to give someone some fun laughs and a boost in their intimacy department? The Intimacy You Crave is a fun gift. Know a mom who could use some encouragement? Order a copy of The Impossible Kid.  And on preorder Turtle Finds His Talent for ages 2-6.