Confessions of a Codependent: And How it Affects Marriage

I announced last year that I came to terms with the realization that I am codependent. I promised I would write about it, and how codependency affects marriage. Part of me was really scared to sincerely look at how my marriage needed to change with newfound breakthroughs.

I’ve been on a journey and learning so so much and settling into accepting myself with all of my flaws and failures. Oftentimes the first step to a better you is being real about where you are right now and loving yourself in spite of yourself. Can you relate?

Well, last night I went to a meeting—a twelve step meeting for codependency—and part of the time is dedicated to journaling. As a writer I love it! And it also kicks you in the gut sometimes. As it did last night.

I’m nervous about sharing this post. But in the spirit of my promise of being real about my journey and struggle, I decided to look past my fear, and write from the heart.

I’ve learned that part of codependency is the underlining belief that others are incapable of taking care of themselves. The healthy reverse of this is realizing that other adults are capable of managing their own lives—with rare exceptions.

The idea that others are incapable of taking care of themselves was the journal topic for last night, but we always have the option of choosing another if we wish.

I’m going to be gut wrenchingly transparent and share what I wrote…

At first I considered passing on this one and choosing another, thinking, “I don’t really struggle with this.”

But then I realized, “Who am I kidding?”

“What about your adult kids?”

“What about your husband?”

Why do I always feel like they need my input even when I’m not asked for it?

I do feel like I need to step in and help them often—Why? Because apparently I think they can’t take care of themselves, when in reality, they are way more capable than I give them credit for. And in fact, they would and actually do PERFECTLY fine without me. More than fine.

Especially my husband—

I really need to allow him to be, just be. Without me thinking I need to “help” him in some way. Life would be so much better. Yes, way better and I have the power to do that. I need to work on doing that.

Maybe I’ll talk with him about it…

Then, the next time I try to tell him what to do or how to think or offer unsolicited advice he can just give me a look or something.  

Oh how much better life would be.

And my kids…they would like me so much more.

I’m taking this paper home and sharing with my family.

Maybe.

If I’m brave enough.

When I got home I shared it with my husband, and so many things made sense. I think it strengthened our relationship. Being honest about our struggles and shortcomings can take our communication to the next level.

I guess I was brave enough after all. And now sharing it with you is a bit terrifying, I mean I’ve written two books on marriage, shouldn’t I be more put together?

I’m willing to be ultra-transparent with my life, and my writing, in the spirit of if it can help someone then I’ll take that vulnerable leap.

We can always improve ourselves and we can always learn how to have more intimacy in our marriages. And I’m all for that. I’m guessing you are, too.

Know someone who’s married or getting engaged? Lucille Williams is the author of “From Me to We” and “The Intimacy You Crave: Straight Talk about Sex and Pancakes”   order a copy today. Subscribe to LuSays for weekly encouragement.