Becoming Capable of the Intimacy You Always Wanted by Dr. Carol Tanksley

I’m so excited for this new book by Dr. Carol Tanksley, Sexpectations: Reframing Your Good and Not-So-Good Stories About God, Love, and Relationships. Dr. Carol is an author, speaker, and OB-Gyn physician and I’m thrilled to share her guest post on intimacy with you.

Becoming Capable of the Intimacy You Always Wanted by Dr. Carol Tanksley

I found myself alone. In a hotel room. With a married man.

OK, that was awkward. And that story didn’t end how you may think. But that moment years ago pushed me to deal with the marred and distorted messages I had come to believe, the wounds I had accumulated, and the empty places in my own soul. I had a lot of junk to deal with and a lot of new things to learn.

You too have a story, a sexual story. Some of that story may be good, even very good. But if “good” described your whole sexual story–well, you’d be unique. There’s almost certainly part that’s not so good. Perhaps you’ve “crossed the line” somewhere, and it’s weighing on you. Or old mental tapes or painful memories won’t leave you alone. Or the expectations and assumptions you entered marriage with were nothing like what the bedroom became. There might even be some truly ugly parts of your sexual story, unspeakable things that happened to you or that you’ve done to yourself or others.

The ideal story often told especially in church–boy meets girl, they fall in love, have wonderful sex for the first time on their wedding night and live happily ever after–is not your story. You learned about sex, love, and relationships long before you knew you were learning anything of the sort, and hopefully some of what you learned and have experienced was good. But what about the parts that aren’t so good?

Through my 30 years as an OB-Gyn physician, and now as an ordained Christian minister and personal coach, I’ve seen countless women, men, and couples struggle with their sex lives. And more importantly, they struggle with intimacy. Those two things–sex and intimacy–God intended to be connected in covenant marriage, but they are not the same. And when sex is not connected with intimacy, things don’t go well. (FYI: unmarried people need intimacy just as much!)

As helpful as information, tips, and tricks may be, I’ve seen repeatedly that it’s the matters of the heart that are most important. Things such as anxiety, shame, guilt, pain, entitlement, anger, and more wreak havoc on your soul and prevent you from experiencing the intimacy you deeply crave–with others (including your husband if you’re married) and with God.

When God first created humankind Scripture says, “And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed” (Genesis 2:25). The sense of the original Hebrew is that not only were there no coverings over Adam and Eve’s bodies; there were no coverings over their minds and hearts also.

You can’t experience intimacy by only taking the clothes off your body; the coverings must come off your mind and heart and soul as well.

And yes, that’s scary. We’ve gotten very good at hiding – as a human race ever since the Garden of Eden, and as individual humans.

If you want to become whole, healed, and fully alive, you’ll have to come out from hiding. That’s what intimacy is–coming to be fully seen and known.

Everything about your story, and especially your sexual story, affects your willingness to do that. The old mental ruts and behavior patterns can keep us hiding–from others, and from God. Looking at your whole story with honesty and compassion the way Jesus does, bringing things into the light, will disinfect the shame, disarm what keeps you in hiding, and allow you to become capable of experiencing true intimacy.

In my story, in that hotel room my clothes did not come off. I dealt with my stuff–my Sexpectations. And sometime later God brought my husband into my life. I would never have been able to experience the intimate relationship I was blessed to have if I hadn’t come out from hiding.

So how about you?

For resources from Lucille Williams check out her books, From Me to We, and The Intimacy You Crave. Have kids? Order a copy of The Impossible Kid: Parenting a Strong-Willed Child with Love and Grace or Turtle Finds His Talent for ages 2-6. Subscribe to LuSays today for weekly encouragement.