Author Postpartum

I had postpartum depression after my children were born. It got worse with each baby. On my third baby, which was my last baby, it was almost unbearable. Not only did I have to deal with the postpartum, but knowing it was my last felt so final, so hopeless, like somehow not having any more children would mean the downfall of all that was good in my world. Postpartum stinks. I can recall sitting in my living room crying while holding this precious baby when it was, and still remains, one of the greatest gifts I’ve ever been given.  

I felt like a failure.

Sometimes even good things can cause us to feel depressed and like a failure.

I just found out that authors can go through “postpartum” after a book gets published. Weird, right?

Think about it…

Getting a book out there is like taking something very personal and prized and cherished and letting it out into the world. The world, where people can criticize, demean, and worst of all, ignore.

I suppose anytime we reach a goal that we thought was unattainable it can cause us to feel a bit of a let-down. We can put so much time and energy into such a goal, that when it finally happens, there’s no way it can match what we had imagined in our minds.

I had a dream come true recently with the publication of my first children’s book, Turtle Finds His Talent, with one of the largest and best publishing houses, and after all the hoopla, I felt that “author postpartum.” All I could think about was how it just wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t good enough. I kept asking, “Why do I feel like a failure?”

One of my closest friends has a beautiful garden. While we were talking one day she told me that her garden was filled with beautiful flowers but when she’s in her yard she focuses on the weeds.

She focuses on the weeds.

Why do we do that?

There is beauty all around us and we sometimes focus on the weeds instead of the flowers.   

Instead of the proverbial jumping-up-and-down after the release of my new book, I was sullen. I felt sad. I thought I didn’t do a good enough job.

I felt like a failure.

And yet, I had just accomplished one of my biggest dreams—and one I might add which I thought would never happen. No matter how good I do, or am, I always feel like I can and should do better.

When am I just good enough?

How about you?

Do you feel good enough? Are you okay with where you are, or are you continually striving for more, striving to be better.

Self-improvement is good and noble, but when is good enough, enough?

My daughter and I have this fun interchange going. When I’m getting a little too emotional and sentimental she’ll say, “Pull it together woman!” It makes us laugh every time.

I had to tell myself, “Pull it together woman!”

I had to remember the “flowers.” I had to plant myself in my most treasured blessings.

I get to wake up every day next to my best friend for over 40 years, and he still likes me.

I get to share life with my kids and their spouses—yes, I still get to be part of my kids’ lives even now that they can tell me to scram.

Grandkids. No other words are needed here. Grandkids. The most beautiful word in the dictionary.

And then friends. I have the most wonderful friends. A friend chooses you when choices are endless. We are born into family, but a friend finds you, and that truly is a gift.

I’d like to leave you with this, my friend…

“Now to Him who is able to protect you from stumbling, and to make you stand in the presence of His glory, blameless with great joy, to the only God our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion, and authority before all time and now and forever. Amen.” 

– Jude 1:24-25

Let’s focus on the flowers.

Thank you for visiting LuSays. For more from Lucille Williams check out her books: From Me to We, The Intimacy You Crave, The Impossible Kid.  And Turtle Finds His Talent for ages 2-6.