LuSays

Lu says, "Let's talk."

21 May 2013

Ode To Single Parents

I have a new appreciation for single parents. My hat goes off to all of you out there!

My son in high school recently took part in a program at school that required parent participation. My husband had pneumonia, and although we had planned on participating together, I had to go solo to the multi-event program.

Walking into rooms, dinners, and assembles solo, instead of with my husband, was a bit unsettling. When you walk into a room—with most paired up by two’s—you feel out of place.

Attending a dinner created much trepidation in making a simple decision as to where to sit. When usually, walking in and finding a seat would have been done without much thought. After making a decision, the couple I sat next to talked in another language and only to each other. I changed my seat after getting my food so as not to endure any more rudeness. (And if you’re thinking that maybe they didn’t speak English, that was not the case, because when asked to speak by the principal they could speak English just fine.) Really? Give me a break! So rude! I ended up wishing I hadn’t chosen to sit at their table.

The kindest thing that happened was during an assembly. While sitting next to two other moms, both with their husbands and families, they welcomed me. “It’s okay,” they said when it became clear I was alone, “you can hang with us. We’ll take care of you.” Finally I received acceptance and kindness. Later I discovered one of the couples had been recently married, having gone through a previous divorce, they probably knew all too well what it was like to fly solo at school events.

The kindness of a stranger can go a long way.

After this experience I will not look at single parents the same way ever again. I’ve always had a huge amount of respect for them—having to carry such a tough load as both mom and dad. I know how difficult parenting can be when there are two parents working in unison, but how difficult it must be when the load is carried by only one.

For all of you single parents out there, I salute you. You are all champions in my book! And on behalf of all the rude “couples” out there, I apologize. Please understand that we are just ignorant—ignorant of the many challenges you face each day, and the difficulties single parents deal with in a sea of callousness.

For all of us who are not tackling parenting as a solo act, let’s be more sensitive to those who are. Let’s look for single parents and ask them to join us at our table…welcome them to assembles…include them in conversation…and say to them, “It’s okay, you can hang with us. We’ll take care of you.”

Posted in Parenting and tagged , , , , , , | Leave a Comment
14 May 2013
3 Comments

Mother’s Day…What’s it all about?

boquet of flowersDid you know that Anna Jarvis, the woman who campaigned for a Mother’s Day, got arrested during a Mother’s Day Festival trying to stop the sale of flowers? She was quoted as saying, “I wanted it to be a day of sentiment not profit.” Did you know that Anna Jarvis’ mother taught Sunday school for over twenty years?

Check out this link and video on the origin of Mother’s Day: http://www.chiff.com/a/mothers-day-history.htm.

Mother’s Day can be a tricky holiday. What can I do to let my mom know that I appreciate her? Most of us are asking that question every year.

And that is the right question. I think every mom would agree that what we want most is to know we are appreciated, that we are loved.

I have been blessed with three beyond amazing kids, well…not really kids anymore but definitely beyond amazing! They all showed me in their own individual way that they appreciate me.

Nonetheless, the appreciation that was most special to me came from my daughter-in-law. Why? Perhaps because I sort of expect my kids to feel appreciation for me, after all, I devoted much of my life trying to be Super Mom. Yes, I’ve failed, no one can be that—but I wish I could be Super Mom. But my daughter-in-law, she could ignore me if she chose to.

But she chose not to, and it was very special for me. We’ve all heard the mother-in-law jokes and snide comments. I would never want to be one of those mother-in-laws.  

At the end of the day, or in this case at the end of Mother’s Day, I have the best gift of all, and that is children who appreciate me everyday– Mother’s Day or not.

How was your Mother’s Day? How did you honor your mom? What did your kids do to honor you?

Posted in Children and tagged , , , , , , ,
07 May 2013
18 Comments

Are You Proud of Your Kids?

While watching a silly movie in which two teenagers switched bodies, I surprisingly found myself overcome with emotion and a flood of torrential tears.

What caused this kind of reaction?

football helmetThe scene was a high school football game. A mom and dad were watching their “son” play but their son was actually sitting next to them because he had “switched” bodies with a friend (don’t judge me, I told you it was a silly movie). The dad kept screaming, “That’s my son!” He was so proud. The son got to see first hand how proud and overjoyed his dad was. It made me cry.

Have you ever thought about the idea that usually our proudest moments with regard to our children are when they are not right next to us? It is when they are giving a speech, scoring a touchdown, stepping up and treating someone with kindness. We watch from afar, and they are not witness to our reaction and our feelings of being overjoyed with pride. We can tell them about it later, but they don’t actually see it. I think that is what made me cry, realizing that I probably have not done a sufficient job expressing my delight and pride for each one of my kids—in front of them.

Have you ever noticed that we usually brag about our kids when they are not around? We talk about them sometimes to the point that others probably would like to clamp our lips. For me, my kids are one of my favorite subjects—I could talk about them all day. And now that my son is married, my “new daughter” has been added to the bragging playlist as well. (Don’t ever ask me about one of my kids, because I could tie you up for hours!)

And yet, each one of my kids thinks that another is my favorite child. Truthfully, I don’t have a favorite. Sure, there are days when one is easier than another and if you were to ask me on that day, yes, I may have a favorite. Just kidding…

Perhaps the reason they all think I have a favorite is because I talk favorably about the one who is absent. In other words, I talk highly of each child to my other kids. When I visit my son in Texas, I talk about my other two back home, and vise versa.  Do you do that? Why do we do that?

Doesn’t it seem easier to express your feelings and pride for someone when they are not right in front of you?

On one occasion, my husband and I were having dinner with one of my father-in-law’s long-time friends. The friend turned to my husband and said, “Your dad always talked about you and your brother while you were growing up. Your dad is so proud of you.” My husband never knew his father did this. It impacted both of us profoundly.

Maybe today is a good day to tell your kids how proud of them you are? Maybe you can sit down and write them a letter expressing your delight over them? As for me, this letter is dedicated to the loves of my life. A mother couldn’t be more proud.

My kids are better than any Mother’s Day gift I could ever dream up! The best present on that day, or any day, is just to spend time with them. Who agrees with me?

Posted in Children, Parenting and tagged , , , , , , ,
29 Apr 2013
12 Comments

Just Helpin’ My Son Ditch School

I felt as though the weight of my inability to make important decisions were pressing down on me as I drove home from an appointment. It can be so easy to get caught up in the cares of everyday life and not stay focused on the most important things. Can you relate to this?

sandwhich copyAnd so I drove…but instead of driving home I stopped in the parking lot of my teen son’s school. I sent him a text asking if he wanted to go off campus for a lunch date with mom. It wasn’t long before I got a “yes!” back.

There I sat in the parking lot, my car windows down with a breeze gliding through and looking out at the beautiful mountains just in front of me. Psalm 121 came to mind and I started reciting it to myself.

“I lift up my eyes to the mountains; from whence shall my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth. He will not allow your foot to slip; He who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, He who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord is your keeper; the Lord is your shade on your right hand. The sun will not smite you by day nor the moon by night. The Lord will protect you from all evil; He will keep your soul. The Lord will guard your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forever.”

Thirty minutes later the lunch bell rang and the high school students that were leaving campus flooded the parking lot. I heard the “F” word no less than 6 times. How does my son maintain his morals and beliefs in this environment?

Joseph arrived at my car and told me that we could go anywhere, indicating that he didn’t need to be back by his next class. I said, “So, you want me to help you ditch a class?” He laughed and said, “yes.” I agreed to help him ditch.

He pulled out his laptop and read me his presentation that he would now be presenting tomorrow. I was in awe; his work was beyond his years.  He got to the end and said, “And I’m not sure how I am going to end it.”

“So, you weren’t ready for your presentation? I am gaining you one more day?”

“Exactly,” he replied, very matter of fact. I laughed.

We had a great time together eating and laughing and I got to hear many stories. (This was from a kid who replies sarcastically, “Amazing” to the question, “How was school today?”)

Suddenly “the cares of everyday life” didn’t seem so pressing. At the end of the day—or in this case long lunch—it is our relationship that matters most. What matters is that we have healthy relationships with the people who are most important to us.

I have a teenage son who is still willing to hang out with his mom, who maintains his love for God and holds to his beliefs everyday, even in a not so glorified environment.

Yes, I did help him ditch school, but what are moms for if not that?

Let your kids know they matter by making time for them…today…everyday. Don’t let the cares of each day rob you of what is most important.

 

Posted in Children and tagged , , , , , , ,
22 Apr 2013
6 Comments

You ARE Beautiful

I found this video on Simple Tom’s blog. It touched me, hope it does the same for you. You are beautiful. See yourself the way others see you. See yourself the way your husband sees you. Husbands, tell your wives how beautiful they are to you. Here’s the link:  You ARE Beautiful.

Posted in Perspective and tagged , , ,
16 Apr 2013
4 Comments

Marriage Will Rise and Fall On Communication

We think we are right until we take the time to really listen to the other person’s viewpoint. This was the case for me as I approached a sensitive subject with my husband. Truthfully, I didn’t want to talk about it because I thought I was right. And that being the case, there would be nothing I could do about it other than “hope” to change him.

I dove in and talked about it anyway. It went something like this: I feel like [fill in the blank] is happening and I was hoping we could change that.

His reply completely surprised me, because I hadn’t considered the idea that I was wrong, totally sure that I had it all figured out.

He said something like this: Yes, I am doing that. The reason is because I am reacting to you, and what you are doing and have done in the past.

I started to laugh. Not because I didn’t think it was serious or important, but because I hadn’t considered being wrong or being the one to cause the unwanted action that I was scared to even talk about.

Dumbfounded, “Wow, I am the one wrong here! How did that happen?” the shock left me spinning.

teacupsOnce the I-think-I’m-right-teacup-ride stopped, I was never so happy to be wrong! Now I could change what I was doing, and therefore, change the whole situation. Whew! So happy! So glad I brought it up! So happy to be wrong!

Communication. It is critically important in any relationship. The level of success in any relationship will be determined by the ability to have healthy communication.

Communication isn’t just talking and being understood, more importantly it is listening. Listening with no judgment, no agenda, and no bias, and listening in a way that everyone wins. Listening with your heart—a heart that says, “I love you”—and wanting what is best for you…for us. As soon as we listen to argue, or to be “right,” looking out for ourselves in a selfish way, we have already lost. We’ve lost the ability for healthy communication and possibly the ability for a healthy marriage.

It’s okay to be wrong—in fact, I am going to make it a habit.

Posted in Marriage and tagged , , , , , ,
09 Apr 2013
8 Comments

Calling All Leaders

megaphoneWhat makes a good leader? What makes a great leader?

Certainly critical aspects would be someone who possesses compassion and understanding. If they can’t understand you, then how can they lead you? Sure, one can lead without understanding and little to no compassion, but I am talking about great leaders, not ones that people follow out of fear or without a choice.

Years ago, when my husband first started as the children’s pastor at our very large church, one of his first responsibilities was to lead the annual Vacation Bible School program. The number of children and volunteers went way beyond anything we had experienced in the past.

The first night of the program Murphy’s Law ensued and madness seemed rampant. He was doing a great job, considering he had only started weeks before, but even so, he was very discouraged. His boss was there, watching the insanity, and it seemed to build as the night barreled on, along with the unending stream of problems…or should I say “opportunities.” Well, the opportunities were endless.

What happened next I will never forget, I can see it clearly even now. As I overlooked from the lobby, among all the chaos, his boss approached him calling over one of my husband’s friends. They got into a circle with their arms on each of his shoulders and they prayed for him. I stood in shock. Along with the extreme number of children and volunteers, this too was something we had not experienced previously. As tears streamed down my face, I knew we were in the right place. I had fully expected him to be reprimanded; and I am sure he feared the same as well.

Fast-forward ten years, and to say that my husband has done a great job would be a gross understatement. Biased, I know, but it is true. What Pastor Tim Winters poured in ten years ago, which took only minutes, has had far reaching results.

Whoever you are leading—whether it be your own children, a team at work, or a ministry—remember to be an understanding, compassionate leader. It will go a long way. It may even span across ten years time.

Posted in Perspective, Time and tagged , , , , , , , ,
02 Apr 2013
8 Comments

The Yellow Brick Road to Divorce

Warning: This may be offensive.

The yellow brick road to divorce:

  • Showing him no respect
  • Insulting him in front of his friends (Why can’t he take a joke?)
  • Poor self-care…physically or emotionally
  • Being his mommy (But if he didn’t act like a child I wouldn’t have to!)
  • Finding something to complain about every day
  • Making the kids a priority over him
  • Not embracing his family
  • Forgetting to thank him for the little things he does…i.e., mowing the lawn or picking up his socks
  • Talking about all the “fancy and expensive” things your friends have
  • Being “intimate” with him but not enjoying it (Hey, he should just be happy that I am willing!)
  • Hitting him with, “These kids are driving me crazy! It’s your turn to deal with them!” as soon as he comes through the door
  • Being critical of him verbally or in your mind
  • Not giving him any alone time for himself
  • Complaining about him to your friends (He’s a terrible husband. I have to get support from somewhere!)
  • Never giving him anything tantalizing to look at (I know men are visual, but I hate wearing that stuff!)
  • Getting mad at him when he expresses his sexual wants and needs
  • Placing “bedroom fun” low on your priority scale
  • Complaining about all the hours he works instead of praising him for how hard he works
  • Making a big fuss when he casually notices the pretty woman passing by instead of understanding that he may need some “alone” time with you
  • Flirting with his friends or your co-workers
  • Incessantly complaining about your physique and not doing anything to be healthy
  • Talking to him like he is one of your girlfriends
  • Keeping a record of all you do for him and compare it to what he does for you
  • Expecting him to meet expectations and desires that you have locked in your mind and then getting mad at him because “he should know!”
  • Waiting silently for birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays hoping for certain gifts or “surprises” and then getting mad at him because he doesn’t come through
  • Manipulating him to get what you want
  • Refusing to wait for his timing with regard to decisions and making them yourself because “he is taking too long”
  • Criticizing his performance in the bedroom
  • Expecting him to meet all of your needs
  • Not forgiving him

The good news is you can turn it around today, if you need to. It is never too late.

scissors cut love

Posted in Marriage and tagged , , , , , , ,
26 Mar 2013
2 Comments

Love the Bunny

chocolate bunnyEaster was the first holiday that I remember as a child. One morning I awoke and found candy on the coffee table in the living room just for me. Could there be anything better? I didn’t understand why, but I remember loving it. Every morning after that day I ran to the coffee table to see if there were candy left for me from “The Bunny.” Until one day there was candy…again—one year later.  No wonder it was my first recollection of any holiday, for a child candy is the bomb!

As I got a little older my mother would “play” the Easter Bunny in our housing complex at the community clubhouse. She loved it and the children loved her.

There was something about that bunny that made Easter so exciting.

Children love Easter. Every year as parents drop their children off for the Easter children’s program at our church, there is a level of excitement that exceeds all other events. Perhaps it’s the candy they are all jacked up on? Maybe it is the great service they are anticipating? Maybe it is a bit of both?

If you do give your children candy, don’t stop there, explain to them what you believe as a family. Use the excitement for candy to tell them about something greater.

It wasn’t until I was an adult that I fully grasped the meaning of Easter. It wasn’t about a bunny, it wasn’t about candy—it was about the best gift ever given.  For me, it is the reason I believe what I believe. Jesus died for us and then rose from the dead! There is no greater gift.

As Easter approaches let’s not forget to tell our children what Easter is all about. Yes, candy is the bomb, but knowing Jesus is better than candy. Knowing Jesus is better than The Bunny.

Celebrate this year with not only family traditions, enjoying every minute with your loved ones, but also with thanksgiving and praise to the One who gives all gifts generously.

Posted in Family, Parenting and tagged , , , , , , , ,
17 Mar 2013
2 Comments

Rejection

Rejection! None of us likes it, but all of us have got to learn to accept it. It starts on the playground as a child when the other kids don’t want to play with us or won’t let us have a turn on the swing. Rejection is something we all must learn how to deal with.

In elementary school rejection continues when we don’t get picked for the team or the part in the school play. In middle school it becomes embarrassing when we don’t seem to fit in…anywhere. And in high school the pain of being rejected by the boy we like, or worse, not even being noticed by the boy we like, can be excruciating. Not to mention being cut from a sports team or not getting the solo. Rejection continues on when we don’t get into the college of our choice and our boyfriend breaks up with us. Then, as an adult it continues further with the job we don’t get, the promotion we get passed over for, the party we didn’t get invited to, the “list” we are cut from, and it goes on and on.

And I’d like to add one more…

The publishing company that rejects your book proposal. And another publishing company…and another publishing company…and another. Yes, folks, now I’m getting personal. I have had many rejections from publishing companies. There have been many considerations too, getting close, but in the end it becomes just another rejection.

At this point allow me to redefine success:

Success is the ability to handle rejection and then, keep moving forward.

We all need to learn how to handle rejection. Most of us get told “no” more than we are told “yes.” We need to learn how to deal with it, and we need to model handling the word “no” gracefully for our children as well. And may I add that if you are not being told “no,” then you are not living all out. With all out living comes much rejection.

Do you have something you keep trying with no apparent success?  Don’t give up, your victory could be just around the corner.

As for me, yes, I received another “no” recently, but that just means that I am that much closer to the “big yes.” My literary agent is not giving up on me, and I am not going to give up either. I don’t know how many more rejections I have in store, but I am not giving up on the dream of one day seeing a book with my name as the author sitting on the shelf.

One could say that success and rejection are best friends. Have you been rejected lately? Embrace it like a friend, press on, and turn it into a success!

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